My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
