those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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