I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
