Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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