My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
