I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
