He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
