so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
