let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
