The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
