how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
