apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
