and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Actions speak louder than pants.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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