You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
