Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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