Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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