After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
