I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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