How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
