i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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