I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
how drunk are you?
Several
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
