she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
