You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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