note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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