I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
