wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
