shes about as inviting as chlamydia
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
