my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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