Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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