Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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