I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
