fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
