hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
