Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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