I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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