I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I faked an abortion last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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