I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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