I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
