I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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