Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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