Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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