mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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