Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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