If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
