Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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