just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
