God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
