I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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