I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
