so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize