Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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