just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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