im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
