ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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